A song for my grandma

This song makes me think of my grandma. She loved old traditional hymns and the lyrics to this one are beautiful....I really can't wait to be reunited with those I have lost, "in the sweet by & by"


There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

Refrain:In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.
To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days.

The Loss of my Grandma is a unique one

My grandma has been gone since Sunday. It was so unexpected that the first day I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Now that I've had a few days, I've thought a lot about things and my relationship with my grandma. For one I don't feel guilty or regretful. I saw her, talked to her or emailed with her every single day since I was born. I am now almost 27. I didn't do it out of obligation or duty. I loved her and she was my friend. As sort of a "loner", I don't talk to many people and have a hard time getting people to understand me. My grandma would listen to me say anything and never judged or repeated anything.

I would always stop by, eat a meal with them, bring them a treat (my grandma loved Starbucks or ice cream), remembered them on every holiday and birthday, and attended Women's Club with my grandma. Even when I worked full-time, I always MADE time. So I'm glad that I don't have the heaviness of regret or guilt hanging over me. I loved her while she was alive and treated her well. And I know that she knew I loved her. She was always pleased when I brought her things, even though she always told me not to. She enjoyed that I was at Women's Club with her. I also joined Friends of the Library as well. I had some really good times with her.

What is the hardest for me is this visceral feeling of loss....a complete and total upheaval that is actually physical. I think about her all the time, although now the thoughts don't make me cry. I think of happy things, and try not to dwell on sad things although it can be hard. I just hope that if there really is a "heaven" or an afterlife that I can see her again and talk to her just like always, and tell her everything she will have missed. It is so tough.

The worst day ever

My grandma died yesterday. It was so unexpected that I am literally in shock. I knew she had been depressed and having issues with her feet....but I didn't think it would come to this. I'm glad that I did visit her so much and do things with her while she was here but that's little comfort. My poor grandpa is left alone, my mom and my aunt are devastated. She was like a mother to me, my sister and my 2 cousins. I feel numb and disoriented. It is so awful. I hope that it is true that one day we meet up again somewhere....I saw her on Saturday night and knew something was wrong with her but I didn't know what to say. Yesterday she went to the ER in the morning and then in the afternoon she had a heart attack and never came back. It was so scary and sad when we had to say goodbye....I had no preparation at all and I never thought I would see her that way. My heart is broken and a part of me has gone with her....she was the best grandma and also a friend, I loved her with all my heart.

Too Much

So I got a new job. I went for an interview yesterday and they offered it to me last night. I am so nervous though. It's at a law firm in Burlingame. Plus I'm starting on Monday and still working here at the shop too while my notice expires. I have so much going on it's crazy. This weekend we're going to see Dane Cook on Sunday night at HP Pavilion, tomorrow is the Women's Club function and we're golfing at 6:30 AM on Sunday. Wow. Next Wednesday the 3rd is our 3 year anniversary. We're not doing anything this week due to my parents' surprise party. But next weekend we're going to San Simeon/Cambria to stay and go play golf and also go to Hearst Castle. Yay. I can't wait till that is here. Then in July our annual 4th of July trip to Blue Lake with Bev and this year my in-laws are coming. Plus I'm starting a couple summer classes too. It is hard not to get overwhelmed but I got a calendar and starting putting everything down. LOL

OMG so tired

I had my finals this week. I found out today that I got an A in my anthropology class. I'm glad of that because the final was hard. I'm at work with nothing to do. My computer documents are fucked up. So I have to wait till next week and get them fixed. I wish I had the day off with James today. I was so tired from all the studying, cat sitting etc. Plus my parents' party is in like 2 weeks. I ordered Chinese dinner tonight because I don't want to cook. I hate doing the dishes and I'm too tired.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a yard sale and try to get rid of some extra stuff and make a little money. I just want to lay down and read tonight though. Forget everything else.

Yawn

I'm so tired today. The kittens have run me around all day. I have to give them meds which is tough and they are just so energetic. I've been working on the party a lot and also my anthropology final is next week. I hope I get a good grade. The last 2 exams I got an A and a B. then I start my Business Law class in the summer. The books are so expensive and my financial aid app. got declined. It makes me sad. It's so hard for people to get an education and so hard to get a good job without a degree. I already have my computer science degree but that field is very very full. I've been applying for lots of jobs and also taking in some more cat sitting. James hates it but it's an easy way for me to make money. I have work tomorrow and it kinda sucks. the body shop is driving me crazy. I wish they would give me all my hours or lay me off. Honestly! Then I could look for something else. But I shouldn't say that. I need my job so we can keep up with the payments here and etc.

My sister gave us tickets for Dane Cook for our anniversary. It's going to be really fun. He's so funny. I hope we can also stay at a B&B somewhere for our anniversary. We need some time away. Besides the lake we haven't gone anywhere else since James was out of work. We're going to Morro Bay in October to play golf and do the touristy thing. It's pretty much my favorite place to go. We're already saving up for it since we had to get a sort of pricey hotel. Everything was already booked and I'm not sure why. There's supposed to be good weather there at that time.

Once we get past my parents' party which has been so stressful because it's a SURPRISE! and we're trying to make it really nice - I can relax a little before classes start again. Then I have to work on Rachel's shower which I haven't done too much on yet. I want it to be fun and simple.

I can't believe we are having our 3rd anniversary already. We've been together for 6 years and only been married for 1/2 of them. Pretty crazy. I think I'm going to look online for some kind of fun overnite thing for us to do before it's too late.

Random

I can't wait to go home today. I feel the beginnings of a migraine. Oh well. Tomorrow night is the Women's Club function, then Sunday we are helping my parents with yardwork. I have been busy this week. I'm trying to find another site for Rachel's shower (might not have enough room..), had a midterm on Monday (super hard)....and all kinds of other stuff. I am at work right now and feeling eh. I am glad to have a job but at the same time I really don't like it here. The painter who works here is always hitting on me and eventually it gets really really annoying. I don't even think I'm really that interesting...I guess being married does that to you LOL. I don't try to get people's attention and I dress modestly. Oh well. Enough about that. Today I had to use my lunch to go get James from work, take him home, and then get back here. His truck still isn't ready yet. We bought it and it has been smogged 2 times and didn't pass.

I have a bunch of homework to do this weekend. Our class is almost over. It has been a great class, I will miss it. We were discussing burial practices the other day regarding the Bara of Madagascar, and then we started talking about cannibalism and Buddhism. It really is a neat class. Anyway she said that one of the basic tenets of Buddhist living is the thought that, "Attachment is the cause of all suffering"......I've been thinking about this for the past couple days. It really makes sense to me. Maybe that's why I just try not to get attached to things...if I lose something, oh well. I don't obssess over cars, things, etc. I give things away all the time even if they're worth money. I just don't make a big deal of it.

Now that I wrote a bunch of random stuff I probably have to get back to work. Although I don't have anything to do. :(