My grandma has been gone since Sunday. It was so unexpected that the first day I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Now that I've had a few days, I've thought a lot about things and my relationship with my grandma. For one I don't feel guilty or regretful. I saw her, talked to her or emailed with her every single day since I was born. I am now almost 27. I didn't do it out of obligation or duty. I loved her and she was my friend. As sort of a "loner", I don't talk to many people and have a hard time getting people to understand me. My grandma would listen to me say anything and never judged or repeated anything.
I would always stop by, eat a meal with them, bring them a treat (my grandma loved Starbucks or ice cream), remembered them on every holiday and birthday, and attended Women's Club with my grandma. Even when I worked full-time, I always MADE time. So I'm glad that I don't have the heaviness of regret or guilt hanging over me. I loved her while she was alive and treated her well. And I know that she knew I loved her. She was always pleased when I brought her things, even though she always told me not to. She enjoyed that I was at Women's Club with her. I also joined Friends of the Library as well. I had some really good times with her.
What is the hardest for me is this visceral feeling of loss....a complete and total upheaval that is actually physical. I think about her all the time, although now the thoughts don't make me cry. I think of happy things, and try not to dwell on sad things although it can be hard. I just hope that if there really is a "heaven" or an afterlife that I can see her again and talk to her just like always, and tell her everything she will have missed. It is so tough.
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