A song for my grandma

This song makes me think of my grandma. She loved old traditional hymns and the lyrics to this one are beautiful....I really can't wait to be reunited with those I have lost, "in the sweet by & by"


There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

Refrain:In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.
To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days.

The Loss of my Grandma is a unique one

My grandma has been gone since Sunday. It was so unexpected that the first day I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Now that I've had a few days, I've thought a lot about things and my relationship with my grandma. For one I don't feel guilty or regretful. I saw her, talked to her or emailed with her every single day since I was born. I am now almost 27. I didn't do it out of obligation or duty. I loved her and she was my friend. As sort of a "loner", I don't talk to many people and have a hard time getting people to understand me. My grandma would listen to me say anything and never judged or repeated anything.

I would always stop by, eat a meal with them, bring them a treat (my grandma loved Starbucks or ice cream), remembered them on every holiday and birthday, and attended Women's Club with my grandma. Even when I worked full-time, I always MADE time. So I'm glad that I don't have the heaviness of regret or guilt hanging over me. I loved her while she was alive and treated her well. And I know that she knew I loved her. She was always pleased when I brought her things, even though she always told me not to. She enjoyed that I was at Women's Club with her. I also joined Friends of the Library as well. I had some really good times with her.

What is the hardest for me is this visceral feeling of loss....a complete and total upheaval that is actually physical. I think about her all the time, although now the thoughts don't make me cry. I think of happy things, and try not to dwell on sad things although it can be hard. I just hope that if there really is a "heaven" or an afterlife that I can see her again and talk to her just like always, and tell her everything she will have missed. It is so tough.

The worst day ever

My grandma died yesterday. It was so unexpected that I am literally in shock. I knew she had been depressed and having issues with her feet....but I didn't think it would come to this. I'm glad that I did visit her so much and do things with her while she was here but that's little comfort. My poor grandpa is left alone, my mom and my aunt are devastated. She was like a mother to me, my sister and my 2 cousins. I feel numb and disoriented. It is so awful. I hope that it is true that one day we meet up again somewhere....I saw her on Saturday night and knew something was wrong with her but I didn't know what to say. Yesterday she went to the ER in the morning and then in the afternoon she had a heart attack and never came back. It was so scary and sad when we had to say goodbye....I had no preparation at all and I never thought I would see her that way. My heart is broken and a part of me has gone with her....she was the best grandma and also a friend, I loved her with all my heart.

Too Much

So I got a new job. I went for an interview yesterday and they offered it to me last night. I am so nervous though. It's at a law firm in Burlingame. Plus I'm starting on Monday and still working here at the shop too while my notice expires. I have so much going on it's crazy. This weekend we're going to see Dane Cook on Sunday night at HP Pavilion, tomorrow is the Women's Club function and we're golfing at 6:30 AM on Sunday. Wow. Next Wednesday the 3rd is our 3 year anniversary. We're not doing anything this week due to my parents' surprise party. But next weekend we're going to San Simeon/Cambria to stay and go play golf and also go to Hearst Castle. Yay. I can't wait till that is here. Then in July our annual 4th of July trip to Blue Lake with Bev and this year my in-laws are coming. Plus I'm starting a couple summer classes too. It is hard not to get overwhelmed but I got a calendar and starting putting everything down. LOL

OMG so tired

I had my finals this week. I found out today that I got an A in my anthropology class. I'm glad of that because the final was hard. I'm at work with nothing to do. My computer documents are fucked up. So I have to wait till next week and get them fixed. I wish I had the day off with James today. I was so tired from all the studying, cat sitting etc. Plus my parents' party is in like 2 weeks. I ordered Chinese dinner tonight because I don't want to cook. I hate doing the dishes and I'm too tired.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a yard sale and try to get rid of some extra stuff and make a little money. I just want to lay down and read tonight though. Forget everything else.

Yawn

I'm so tired today. The kittens have run me around all day. I have to give them meds which is tough and they are just so energetic. I've been working on the party a lot and also my anthropology final is next week. I hope I get a good grade. The last 2 exams I got an A and a B. then I start my Business Law class in the summer. The books are so expensive and my financial aid app. got declined. It makes me sad. It's so hard for people to get an education and so hard to get a good job without a degree. I already have my computer science degree but that field is very very full. I've been applying for lots of jobs and also taking in some more cat sitting. James hates it but it's an easy way for me to make money. I have work tomorrow and it kinda sucks. the body shop is driving me crazy. I wish they would give me all my hours or lay me off. Honestly! Then I could look for something else. But I shouldn't say that. I need my job so we can keep up with the payments here and etc.

My sister gave us tickets for Dane Cook for our anniversary. It's going to be really fun. He's so funny. I hope we can also stay at a B&B somewhere for our anniversary. We need some time away. Besides the lake we haven't gone anywhere else since James was out of work. We're going to Morro Bay in October to play golf and do the touristy thing. It's pretty much my favorite place to go. We're already saving up for it since we had to get a sort of pricey hotel. Everything was already booked and I'm not sure why. There's supposed to be good weather there at that time.

Once we get past my parents' party which has been so stressful because it's a SURPRISE! and we're trying to make it really nice - I can relax a little before classes start again. Then I have to work on Rachel's shower which I haven't done too much on yet. I want it to be fun and simple.

I can't believe we are having our 3rd anniversary already. We've been together for 6 years and only been married for 1/2 of them. Pretty crazy. I think I'm going to look online for some kind of fun overnite thing for us to do before it's too late.

Random

I can't wait to go home today. I feel the beginnings of a migraine. Oh well. Tomorrow night is the Women's Club function, then Sunday we are helping my parents with yardwork. I have been busy this week. I'm trying to find another site for Rachel's shower (might not have enough room..), had a midterm on Monday (super hard)....and all kinds of other stuff. I am at work right now and feeling eh. I am glad to have a job but at the same time I really don't like it here. The painter who works here is always hitting on me and eventually it gets really really annoying. I don't even think I'm really that interesting...I guess being married does that to you LOL. I don't try to get people's attention and I dress modestly. Oh well. Enough about that. Today I had to use my lunch to go get James from work, take him home, and then get back here. His truck still isn't ready yet. We bought it and it has been smogged 2 times and didn't pass.

I have a bunch of homework to do this weekend. Our class is almost over. It has been a great class, I will miss it. We were discussing burial practices the other day regarding the Bara of Madagascar, and then we started talking about cannibalism and Buddhism. It really is a neat class. Anyway she said that one of the basic tenets of Buddhist living is the thought that, "Attachment is the cause of all suffering"......I've been thinking about this for the past couple days. It really makes sense to me. Maybe that's why I just try not to get attached to things...if I lose something, oh well. I don't obssess over cars, things, etc. I give things away all the time even if they're worth money. I just don't make a big deal of it.

Now that I wrote a bunch of random stuff I probably have to get back to work. Although I don't have anything to do. :(

Bleh

I want to go home so bad. I hate this job. I don't want to complain because at least I still have a job...but I hate it here. The painter is always bugging me, he's kind of a perv. My boss gives me hella shit even though she's never here...it just sucks.

I have studying tonight and the baby kittens to clean up after and weigh. They are so cute!

I wish it wasn't so windy out today. I usually take a long walk on my lunch but it's so windy it stings my eyes. Hopefully it really does get nice soon.

:(

So tired....

I went up to class today and it was cancelled...so instead I went to the grocery store. I hate shopping so it is something I put off. We are finally done unpacking and neatening up. Moving is so so stressful but we're almost done. The apartment is clean and hopefully we'll get some of our money back...we can definitely use it. James is getting laid off again tomorrow...I hope he gets another short call or gets some side work. Times are really tough, I've been applying for jobs everyday and never get any responses, it really sucks. I'm working towards a second A.A. degree to maximize my potential (hopefully!) in Paralegal/Legal Studies. It would be nice to find a second job soon.

I have to go mail something and then take a walk, I've been lacking on my workouts lately and I can feel it!

:)

What is an animal's life worth?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2009/03/16/moneytales031609.DTL

I was reading this article today on SF Chronicle and it kind of upset me. Someone had commented "It's nice to see that this woman...yada yada...helps the animals, but would she do the same thing for fellow human beings?"

Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion...and here goes mine....Domesticated animals are basically helpless. When someone refuses to spay/neuter their cat or dog, and said pet goes out and creates a litter, that is the fault of the humans. Animals don't have control over their instincts.

Regarding humans: if you are a human, and you don't have health insurance, you're homeless, etc....I have compassion but at the same time...we are in control of our situation. If you are homeless/jobless because you're a junkie...basically that's nobody's fault but your own. If you're homeless because your house burned down your situation may be different.

Also humans don't tend to have a lot of gratitude. When you give a bum a dollar, they usually mumble "thanks", say nothing at all, or look at the dollar and then look at you like YOU are the asshole. In my rescue experience, animals show lots more gratitude and understanding....when I took in kittens last year who were starving, weak and dirty, they purred and purred when I washed them with a warm cloth, dropper-fed them, and played with them. They realized that I was helping them and they showed appreciation. Humans very often don't act like this. That's not to say all humans OR all animals but in most cases....when you help a human, they often just keep putting their hand out instead of getting their shit together.

Now this woman may have gone a little far...she found a cat that had been hit by a car and was suffering by the roadside. She took it to the vet and paid for it to be kept alive. I would definitely pull over and pick up a cat or dog that had been hit and left to die....and take it to the vet, but depending on the cost I might have to opt for euthanasia. Regardless I would never just leave a suffering animal by the side of the road...that's just awful and deplorable behavior on the part of us humans.

That's my big speech for the day...I hate it how people always act like compassionate animal lovers are nutcases....it's a generalization that's mean and untrue (most of the time).

OMG so tired

I am so tired. We painted our new place yesterday. Actually we started on Wednesday night...auntienette & Erik really helped me a lot yesterday. Then my mom and sister came at night. It is so much work. the people who owned it before were a little weird and really messy. Tonight we're renting a UHaul and then moving more of our stuff, and I have to go to Jo-Ann's to get curtain fabric. No curtains at all. It is lots and lots of work.
I really like it though. It's really cute, lots of windows and a good size yard spot.
I can't wait to leave work, only an hour and 20 min. Then it's off to go get the uhaul and start running around :)

OMG I so hate moving

I hate moving...even though the end result is good it's such a pain in the ass. We have so much stuff not to mention that we have the cats & bird to bring. UGH. Yesterday I gave away 6 huge black bags of stuff to Salvation Army and I'll probably have more bags by the time we are ready to leave here. We have to patch up the walls and stuff so we can maybe get some of our deposit back. I doubt they will give us any though. That's how apt. people are.
We have to paint the new place because the bedrooms are in real weird colors...dark like goth bedrooms and that's not good for me. But of course that means we have to prime since the walls are so dark.
I am totally procrastinating. I have homework to be doing plus packing. LOL

Bleh....

At work, nothing to do again. I am so tired and stressed out. I wish I could go home. I have an exam tomorrow in my anth. class that I need to study for. I am caught up on the reading and stuff but there will be specific questions from each article we've done so far.....she made it sound pretty tough. Also we have this deal going on at the Franciscan, which is really GOOD but stressful too. We'll be moving which sucks and having to clean up the apartment. Thankfully it's not that bad. I just need to patch up nail holes and clean the kitchen/bathroom. Everywhere else is really clean, thanks to my OCD :)
Speaking of which my anxiety is high again right now. I refused to take meds so I just have to ride it out. According to my doc it's an "organic" problem, meaning a chemical imbalance. But who doesn't have some kind of imbalance? When it's like this I just need to avoid crowded & hot places, take time for myself, and try to get my exercise in every day. UGH though it's so hard because it keeps me up at night, then I can't wake up in the AM, can't concentrate, can't eat, etc. I'm hoping it's just due to all this stress right now of moving and stuff.
Luckily we're near the end...we signed the closing docs. last week and now we're just waiting for the final inspection and we should get the keys. Even tho it's a "manufactured" home it's OURS for less per month than what we pay for the damn apartment and I'm getting pretty frickin tired of our neighbors and the property management anyhow.
It's a 2 BD just like the apt. with a small yard and it's own washer/dryer....which will really help me out. Now I don't have to run around trying to get laundry done without other people touching it or taking it out of the machines! Thank God!
I can't wait to go home...5 1/2 hours to go, and 1 hour of that is my lunch. Then it's home to study study study. Also maybe some more packing. LOL

Uggghhhhh.......

So gloomy out. I want to go home and just read my book. Or work on the mountain of classwork I have. Our friend Bryan came over last night which was ok, but he stayed until after1 AM and I had to be up at 6:30 today. So I didn't get any homework done. Tomorrow and Sunday both way too busy for homework. I guess maybe tonight. I'm cooking a few things for the party tomorrow tho. Lots of my relatives are coming from down south. They have been closer since my uncle Larry died. Every time I come to work I pass by that shitty motel that he checked into on the night he died and also the restaurant he ate at. It is hard not to think about it. I feel so bad for my grandparents. ALtho he made his own choices and just drank himself to death. He died with a .46 BAC. Luckily he didn't have a driver's license or anything, because he drank like this all the time.

Oh well. Gloomy weather makes gloomy thoughts for me. Plus the fact that I'm so bored here. I finished all my work before lunch and now I just have to SIT until 5:30. Seems such a waste of time.

Oh well!

Yay!

My sister bought her wedding dress tonight. It's so pretty! It's really fancy and puffy. Just right for the church. Of course now I feel like my dress will be too understated.....but Rachel likes it, so I like it. LOL. I got my dress on clearance at David's Bridal (still pretty pricey...) and can't return it. Anyway I'm really excited because my sister looks soooo pretty in it.....more later. Got to go get on my exercise machine so I can still fit in my dress come September :)

Yucky cold, go away!

I have a terrible head cold. I have intense pressure in my face and my chest hurts...all the usual stuff. James is at class so I've been online working on stuff for my parents' big surprise party (which is, as of yet, still a surprise) and my sister's bridal shower. At least for my parents' party my sister is helping...but she can't help with her own bridal shower! I think that her shower will be a bridal tea, a ladies only gathering. Much more fun that way. I think I'm going to order catering from Westborough Deli (YUM)- finger sandwiches (so good), salad and antipasto. Then I'm getting a St. Honore cake (a very fancy French cake) and lots of other sweets and goodies and of course...tea! It sounds really neat and fun. My bridal shower ended up just being more like a birthday party it seemed like. Of course it was fun anyway though...but way too many people and it was just crazy.

I also am like 50% of the way there on the favors for the shower and I already have the invites. So I'm doing pretty good. I've got a rental for that day, in the Parish Hall of the church where I used to work. The Pastor's letting me rent it for free.

I just wish this cold was gone! I have so many things to do this weekend- bake sale, pet sitting, etc....and I feel like crap!

Big things...

So we're working on something big right now....I'm hoping it turns out the way we want it to. My anthropology class is going great, really interesting. Tomorrow is James' birthday. We probably will go out to dinner. We already had some little parties on the weekend so....

Then Valentine's day we're having a big get-together for my Grandpa's bday. I don't really care that it's on Valentine's day because we don't really celebrate...we love each other every day of the year and try to avoid only focusing on the "hallmark" holidays. St. Valentine was a real person who was martyred, but other than that there is no real reason for Valentine's day to be a "romantic" holiday. Anyhow that's what I learned in one of my cultural anthro. classes a couple years ago. Therefore I don't get too worried about the whole gift exchange/whatever. So I would much rather have a family thing on that day. Lots of relatives we don't see that often and stuff.

This Saturday I'm hosting a bake sale for Humanimal Connection, the cat rescue. So I'm going to be baking/cooking every night this week LOL. I'm making brownies, brownies w/walnuts, sugar cookies, chocolate dipped pretzels, and handmade candy. Lots of work but for a good cause. So anyone reading this, come down to San Mateo Pet & Feed in Redwood City (on El Camino) and buy some sweets for a good cause! Sat., 2/7 10 AM- 2 PM.

:)

I'm so bored at work, I finished all my tasks before lunch! Can't wait to go home. Lots of homework reading to do tonight while James is at class........

Bored.....

I'm working on my homework for my anthropology class and looking at jobs on craigslist. I'm also working on dinner. I have lots of things going on this week. My dad's birthday, James' birthday, golf, etc.

My foster cats are gone so I have less cleaning to do at least. I'm sure I will have new ones soon. I have work tomorrow which sucks. I want to break away from office jobs eventually. Hopefully I can get a 2nd degree and work somewhere better. For now we need the money but I am tired of office politics, sitting at a desk all day and filing!

I have a million other things I should be doing but I don't feel like it. I can't wait until James goes back to work. Too much free time for both of us.....he enjoyed it for about a month and that was it. He wants to work.

On a positive note we get to play golf at Sharp Park on Thursday and go out to breakfast.

Back to the kitchen....

Inauguration Day!

I was so proud to watch the festivities on TV and see the very first black president EVER being sworn in. It was a great moment for us as Americans and it gave me chills!

I voted for Obama and couldn't be happier that he won....I'm a thru and thru "bleeding-heart" Democrat, and don't care what anyone thinks about it!!

I really hope things get better for us as a country.

God bless America!

Found my dress!

I found my dress for Rachel's wedding....I'm so happy. It's really nice, a dark brown (truffle) with a nice beaded waist. Very classy and simple.

Now I'm already done looking and I can focus on more fun stuff like the shower :)

It was really fun. I went to David's Bridal with my mom & sis. It was a spur of the moment thing. And I pat myself on the back for staying in shape and fitting in a small slim dress :) now I have an incentive to keep working out and staying healthy....otherwise I won't fit my dress come September 12!

Happy Saturday

We played golf this morning....pretty nice. I got a nice set of clubs before Christmas and we've played 4 games already. Nice and relaxing especially if you get out there early. We had our tee time at 8 AM. Then we went to Starbucks, Pet Club & the bank and now we're home...I have to do laundry today and also go put the deposit down on my next tattoo....tattoo #7.

Can't wait to do that. I think I'm getting a cold. My head is hurting and my nose is stuffy....:( I just had one last month.

Oh well! Can't wait for my classes to start, I get to go buy my books on Monday.

Busy busy busy

Today I had the Women's Club meeting in the morning...and then the evening section tonight. I also have a bunch of stuff to do here....James is out at a side job (under the table....cash!) which is nice.....it is hard being around the house all the time. I need to have lots and lots of time to myself....peace and quiet....that's my one and only "requirement" :)

I have lots to work on, we're having a bday party for my grandpa who's turning 80! on Valentine's day, then lots of volunteer stuff, I'm starting school next week...and working too.

I also have lots of work to do on Rachel's bridal shower which is fun and the surprise party in June.....I feel tired already.

:)